Having a child is a life-changing event. Suddenly, everything isn’t just about you anymore, and a tiny human now relies on you for love, nourishment, and protection. And it’s your responsibility to ensure they are well taken care of, twenty-four-seven, for the years to come.
Now that can be very stressful.
How parental stress and burnout manifests
In an online poll during our Conquer Chaos: Parent Hacks for Thriving at Home webinar conducted by mother and counsellor Janet Gay,
- 54% agreed that the behaviour of their children is often embarrassing or stressful
- 67% agreed that having children leaves little time and flexibility in their lives;
- 54% agreed that it’s difficult to balance different responsibilities because of their children.
Our small sample size may be small, but these are universal experiences that can lead to parental burnout. When parents don’t have the resources to cope with stress and burnout, they may experience:
- Exhaustion: Mental, emotional, and physical fatigue
- Depersonalisation: Feeling like a robot and not being in control of what you say/do
- Lack of fulfilment: Losing passion, purpose, and joy in your parenting journey
Most importantly, parental stress burnout can shape their parenting styles. Rather than developing an authoritative parenting style, where they are nurturing, supportive, and attuned to their children’s needs, they may adopt the following alternatives.
- Authoritarian: Being demanding, unresponsive, and rigid (i.e. “tough love”)
- Neglectful: Offering little nurturance, guidance, and attention
- Permissive: Allowing children to do as they please with little direction
In fact, it has been proven that parents who are stressed and burnt out are more likely to be authoritarian and neglectful. Studies have also shown their children are more likely to struggle with their temperament, attention span, and a harsh inner critic.
For your wellbeing and that of your children, it’s important to learn strategies to manage the inevitable stress and burnout that comes with parenthood. Here are a few tips Janet shared during the webinar.
Strategies for parental stress or burnout
According to Janet, there are two sets of strategies for managing parental stress and burnout: the ones to be employed in the heat of the moment, and the ones that help build resilience in the long term. Parenting is a lifelong journey, after all.
Short-term strategies
Picture this: It’s bedtime but your child is throwing a tantrum and refusing to sleep. Or, they’re melting down in a mall and everyone is staring. In these moments, it is natural to feel angry, frustrated, and even embarrassed. But remember, how we manage these unpleasant emotions may inform how they grow to manage theirs.
Before reacting, it’s important to
- Be mindful of your emotional or bodily reactions: Simply naming your feelings and where the unpleasant sensations are manifesting (e.g. flushed cheeks) makes you aware of triggers before you flip your lid.
- Pause and disengage: Take deep breaths and, if possible and necessary, remove yourself from the stressful situation for a short while. Give yourself the time and space to process your internal experiences instead of projecting them onto your child.
- Choose a helpful course of action: You may feel pressured to discipline your child in public, but yelling at them may escalate the situation. Consider alternatives like communicating with them at their eye level.
- Speak to your loved ones: After the incident blows over, you may talk to your spouse or a trusted family member about it. This allows you to address feelings of isolation, guilt, and even shame, especially if you think you could have handled the situation better.
If these steps sound daunting, you’re not alone. Emotion regulation is among the top struggles of individuals in Asia, and is a skill that we can hone through regular practice. Here are some strategies to help you along.
Long-term strategies
1. Social support
As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. True enough, a study of Parental Burnout Around the Globe, which revealed that parental burnout is more prevalent in individualistic cultures than collectivist ones. So, whether you need time off or expert guidance, don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family members, or even your child’s teachers for help. You may also consider befriending other parents at school, or leveraging support from social media groups.
Beyond your circles, what other resources can you find in your community? In Singapore, for instance, the Ministry of Social and Family Development appointed ten Parenting Support Providers (PSPs). In collaboration with schools and community partners in their designated regions, these PSPs offer evidence-based parenting programmes and right-site parents to services, ensuring that they’re not on this journey alone.
2. Communication
Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy parent-child relationship. It not only fosters trust and understanding but also empowers children to express themselves confidently. By adopting specific communication strategies, parents can create an environment where children feel valued, heard, and respected.
- Let them make their own mistakes: Instead of stepping in when they procrastinate on a school project, allow them to face the consequences. Use this as a learning opportunity by discussing what went wrong and how they can do better in future.
- Create predictable routines: Consistent routines set clear expectations for your child. When daily activities follow a predictable pattern, there’s less room for misunderstanding, leading to fewer conflicts over tasks like bedtime or homework.
- Give them a choice: Whether it’s picking out clothes or deciding on a snack, this communicates trust in their decision-making and respect for their preferences. It also paves the way for open dialogue about their likes and dislikes.
- Take an interest in your child’s life: Discussing their hobbies, learning about their friends, or staying informed through school newsletters show that you value their world and encourage them to share more with you.
3. Time management
Often, the stress of parenthood comes from having to do it all; from being on top of your home and work life to keeping tabs on your children’s school life. Janet’s tip? Create a shared family calendar to keep everything in order, streamline communications, and ensure that important events and activities are never missed.
- Centralised organisation: Janet uses Google Calendar as a centralised family calendar where everyone in the family can add their events, appointments, and activities. This way, all family members can access a single calendar to see what everyone is up to, reducing the chances of scheduling conflicts.
- Colour coding: In the family calendar, different colours can be assigned to each family member’s activities, making it easy to glance at the calendar and know who is doing what without needing to read each entry.
- Notifications: Setting reminders for key events, such as a reminder the night before her child’s spelling test in school, ensures that everyone is prepared and important tasks are not forgotten.
Good parenting starts with your well-being
Janet points out that many parents struggling avoid seeking help due to the fear of admitting their challenges. This tendency to suffer in silence often exacerbates feelings of guilt and shame, trapping them in a vicious cycle of stress and burnout.
Finding a safe space to discuss and understand your struggles is crucial. Intellect Clinic strives to provide just that, and our skilled counsellors and clinical psychologists are ready when you are.
Contact us today to schedule an appointment within the same week.
