“How have you been?” is a simple question that often comes up in one-on-ones. More often than not, your team member might respond with “I’m good!” and get down to business. However, in some cases, especially when employees have been struggling silently with personal or professional challenges, that question has the potential to open the floodgates. If no one has recently asked how they’re doing, your well-meaning inquiry could lead to an emotional response.
As a manager or HR professional, handling an emotional moment compassionately but professionally can strengthen your relationship with your team member while maintaining boundaries. Here’s what you can do when an employee cries.
What’s coming up for you?
Before stepping in to support your team member, take a moment to check in with yourself. Do you have the emotional capacity to be present and supportive at this moment? A quick self-assessment ensures you can hold space for them while maintaining professionalism.
If you find yourself emotionally affected—perhaps feeling guilt or frustration if their tears stem from your feedback—it may be best to take a step back and suggest pausing the conversation so both parties can regroup when they feel more composed.
But if you want to be there for your team, here’s a guide to doing so with empathy and tact.
How do I react when my employee cries?
Step 1: Ensure privacy
If your team member starts crying during a one-on-one, ensure you’re in a private space or suggest moving to one. Where possible, a quiet, comfortable setting helps them to feel safe to express their emotions. You’d also want to assure them that the conversation will remain confidential to maintain trust.
If this happens during a group call, consider giving them the option to drop off early and following up with them separately. Acknowledge their distress and offer to continue the conversation via a private call or at a later time.
Step 2: Check if they to talk or be left alone
Respect that not everyone is ready to talk when they’re overwhelmed. Ask them gently:
- “Would you like a moment alone, or would you prefer to talk about what’s on your mind?”
- “I can step away for a few minutes if you need some time, or I’m happy to listen if that would help.”
If they need time, let them know it’s okay. Offer to check back in later and follow through on that promise.
Step 3: Ask open-ended questions
If they are ready to talk, encourage expression with open-ended questions:
- “What are you feeling right now?”
- “How have you been coping?”
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
Avoid:
- “Why” questions, which can feel accusatory or invalidating, such as “Why do you feel this way?”
- Probing too much into personal matters, especially if their stressors are outside of work.
- “Diagnosing” them, such as “Are you sure you don’t have social anxiety?”
Step 4: Practice active listening
Once they start sharing, focus on making them feel heard. Remember, your role is to listen, not to fix.
- Offer verbal affirmations: “I hear you,” “That sounds really difficult,” or “I appreciate you sharing this with me.”
- Paraphrase and check for understanding: “It sounds like you’re blaming yourself for everything that went wrong in the group project. Did I get that right?”
- Normalise their feelings: “It’s completely understandable to feel this way given everything you’re handling right now.”
Avoid:
- Jumping to problem-solving too soon, like “Have you tried managing your time more effectively?” Sometimes, they just need to vent before solutions are discussed.
- Minimising their problems, like “It’s not that bad.” or “You’re thinking too much.”
- Toxic positivity, like “You’ve got this!” or “Just stay positive!”
Step 5: Offer support within boundaries
Tempting as it is to offer solutions that have worked for us, being prescriptive can sometimes come across as presumptuous. Instead, ask your team member exactly how you can support them once they have shared their thoughts:
- “What do you need right now to feel a little better?”
- “Would it help if we revisited your workload to see if any adjustments can be made?”
- “Would you like me to connect you with our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) or other resources?”
While empathy is essential, remember you are not their therapist. If what your team member needs is beyond your scope, guide them to appropriate resources or professional support.
What to do after an employee cries
When wrapping up the conversation, express appreciation for their trust and vulnerability. If they remain emotionally overwhelmed, encourage them to take the rest of the day off.
Reassure them, where appropriate, that this moment will not affect your perception of their professional abilities. Reinforcing psychological safety can help them feel more secure in their role.
Consider these follow-up steps:
- Connect them with resources – If applicable, share information on Employee Assistance Programmes or mental health hotlines. You may also assure them it’s okay to take time off work to use these resources.
- Make reasonable accommodations – If work-related stress is a factor, consider workload adjustments where possible. For example, can their deadlines be adjusted? Can workload distribution be re-evaluated?
- Follow up in the next meeting – A simple check-in shows continued support: “How have you been feeling since our last conversation?”
Last but certainly not least, take care of yourself. Providing emotional support when an employee cries can be draining. Reflect on what you need to decompress, whether it’s a short break, a conversation with a mentor, or engaging in self-care activities. Small, consistent self-care habits help prevent burnout.
And if you feel you could have handled it better, go easy on yourself! Supporting someone in distress can be uncomfortable, and most managers aren’t formally trained for these situations. The fact that you tried in spite of that speaks volumes, and you deserve a pat on the back for that.
Mental Health First Aid™
According to a 2023 study by Deloitte, 94% of employees feel their manager should have at least some responsibilities for their wellbeing—and 96 percent of managers agree. There’s just one gap to be bridged: a lack of know-how.
Enter Mental Health First Aid™, a programme that has trained over five million people across 24 countries since 2000. As the course’s sole licensed provider in Singapore, Intellect believes in empowering managers and team members to be the first responders to coworkers who may be struggling. Learn more here.
