Think Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) only affects one’s performance in school and work? Think again.
Much has been said about what ADHD is and how the condition affects employees at work. However, as a counsellor, I have also witnessed many clients with ADHD struggle to maintain romantic relationships. In this article, I draw from my experience and share how individuals can manage ADHD in relationships and how their partners can be supportive.
How ADHD strains relationships
In the context of romantic relationships, individuals with ADHD may struggle with communication, emotion regulation, decision-making, planning, memory, time management, and organisational skills, which are all important cornerstones in relationships. My client Nick*, who sought therapy at his wife’s urging, resonated with some of these struggles.
Communication
My first impression of Nick was that he was extremely talkative, almost excessively so. While that gave me a lot of material to work with, it often seemed like he was talking “at” me rather than “to” me. Talking too much, jumping from one topic to another, and even interrupting others are manifestations of a hyperactive mind. And while this high energy can come across as cheerful and charismatic in the early dating phase, it can quickly become overwhelming.
After about 25 minutes of nonstop talking, I wasn’t listening anymore because his train of thought was difficult to follow. Also, I found myself focusing on the process (what was going on between us) more than the content (what was being said). I gently interrupted him,
“Nick, I’m very interested in what you have to say, but I can’t help but notice that I’m struggling to follow you. It feels like we’re jumping from topic to topic.”
Nick flushed. “Oh, interesting. My wife says the same thing about me,” he admitted, looking a bit uneasy. “There’s just so much going on in my head. I can’t contain it!” He then continued about how his wife reported feeling unimportant and unheard in their marriage.
You see, the therapy room is like a microcosm of society; whatever happens in the privacy of our session reflects the client’s struggles in their day-to-day life out there. In the same way, my interaction with Nick in our sessions gave me an idea of how his wife may have been feeling all this while.
Emotion Regulation
“It’s crazy to hear her saying she feels unimportant. I love her so much. If she’s feeling hurt, well, I feel hurt too by being so misunderstood!” Nick started to speak even more quickly, seeming frustrated.
“So, how do you respond when your wife shares her feelings with you?”, I asked.
“Well, I’m not particularly proud of this,” Nick responded, “But most of the time, I shut down and walk away.”
Gabor Maté, the author of the book “Scattered Minds,” suggests that emotional dysregulation is a core aspect of ADHD. Say, an individual was criticised or rejected for their symptoms in childhood. In adulthood, when they receive constructive feedback, they may experience it as a form of rejection or personal attack in adulthood, leading to disproportionate reactions.
It’s easy to see how this can be problematic in a marriage, where disagreements are bound to happen. In fact, partners of individuals with ADHD have often told me that they feel pressured to “walk on eggshells,” unsure of what might upset their partners. Hearing Nick’s words, I wondered if his wife feels the same way.
Forgetfulness
What else could have triggered her feelings of unimportance? As I probed further, Nick reluctantly revealed that he had forgotten their wedding anniversary for two years in a row:
“I don’t know how it happened. I remembered it the day before, and then I just forgot! It vanished from my mind!”
It’s not unusual to hear partners of individuals with ADHD lament about their better half forgetting important dates, events, or commitments. This may be attributed to inattentiveness or impaired executive functioning, which includes one’s working memory. Although such oversights were not due to a lack of love or care, but rather a symptom of his ADHD, they feel deeply personal to his wife. She interpreted them as signs of neglect or indifference, which compounded her feelings of being unimportant and unheard in the relationship.
Indecisiveness
Given that decision-making falls under the umbrella of executive functioning, Nick struggled with it too. He found it difficult to make small decisions that didn’t really matter to him, such as where to go for date night or an upcoming holiday.
“Jesus Christ, can you please just decide?” his wife would often exclaim in exasperation.
Her reaction was understandable. These moments of indecision not only caused delays but were also interpreted as a lack of consideration or an unwillingness to take responsibility. This perception added to her frustration, making her feel as though she had to make all the calls and, worse, that the relationship was one-sided. Over time, these small, seemingly insignificant moments can snowball, creating a pattern of tension and resentment in their relationship.
How to Manage ADHD in Relationships
Do you identify with Nick? If so, here are some strategies that have worked for many of my clients, helping them to cope with the symptoms of ADHD and improve their relationships.
1. Psychoeducation
“I’ve always been this way. I always thought it’s just who I am.”
At age 40, he was recently diagnosed with ADHD and is still grappling with the condition.
For the longest time, ADHD has called to mind the image of a child—usually a boy— prancing around in class or forgetting his homework, but reality is much more complex. ADHD doesn’t just affect how the young perform in school, their impact on adults, along with their personal and professional lives, cannot be understated.
Yet, misconceptions lead to underdiagnosis and inadequate treatment for adults with ADHD and erode understanding in their relationships with loved ones. By debunking these myths and educating himself about ADHD, Nick can acquire the language needed to describe his experience to his wife and communicate more effectively.
With this knowledge, individuals with ADHD may also stop labelling themselves as negligent, incompetent, or reckless. They would understand that their behaviours are not a choice but rather a condition they can learn to manage.
2. Responsibility
“I know he/she didn’t mean it, but it still hurts.”
This is a sentiment I hear frequently from partners of individuals with ADHD, and they are right. It’s possible to hurt someone without intending to, but while ADHD may explain some of these behaviours, it does not absolve one of responsibility.
“So Nick, here’s a small tip for you,” I shared in one of our later sessions. “The next time your wife talks about feeling hurt or sad, instead of saying, ‘I’m sorry but this was not my intention,’ try saying, ‘Though it was not my intention, I’m still very sorry.'”
To repair the rupture with his wife, Nick had to own his actions and actively work on managing his symptoms. That brings us to the next point.
3. Structure
If we think of the ADHD mind as a messy drawer, using dividers to organise it makes sense.
For Nick and his wife, I recommended employing
- Digital reminders (e.g. scheduling a notification on the eve of her birthday)
- Visual schedules (e.g. reminding himself of date nights using sticky notes)
- Weekly routine (e.g. designating a day and time to spend quality time)
These behavioural interventions acted as external aids, making up for the lack of structure in an ADHD mind.
How to Support a Partner with ADHD
It can be tough dealing with a loved one’s ADHD, but the solution isn’t as simple as “just swap them out for someone without ADHD.”
ADHD is not a choice, but it can be managed with certain strategies, as discussed. If you’re in a relationship with someone who struggles with ADHD, here’s how you can support both them and your relationship.
4. Awareness
It’s essential to understand that inattentiveness and hyperactivity are rarely choices. Instead, they are features of the ADHD brain, which processes information, regulates attention, and controls impulses differently.
By understanding how Nick’s brain biology influences his behaviours, his wife may find it easier to empathise with his challenges. For instance, realising that Nick’s forgetfulness is not a sign of disinterest but a consequence of his working memory issues can help alleviate her concerns that he doesn’t care about her.
5. Practical support
Since ADHD affects executive functioning, including organising, planning, and decision-making, individuals often struggle with small daily tasks. So, while emotional support can be wonderful, practical support can be even more beneficial. This might look like setting up reminders or simply providing a calm, non-judgmental space for a partner with ADHD to regulate their emotions.
“Eight out of ten times, I can’t find my keys before leaving the house,” Nick shared during our first few sessions.
Later in our work together, Nick shared about receiving the perfect birthday gift from his wife: a beautifully designed key tray. She also bought drawer dividers (literally!) for their home office, helping him better organise their space and maintain order more easily.
6. Couples therapy
As it turned out, his wife’s gestures followed a couples therapy session, during which Nick shared about his daily struggles. This is an excellent example of how one partner with ADHD may complement individual therapy with couples therapy. With the help of a well-trained professional, a couple can learn to de-escalate conflicts arising from the symptoms of ADHD.
For example, both parties may practise techniques for clear and respectful communication, learning to express needs and frustrations without blame. Nick may, for example, learn to articulate his challenges with ADHD more effectively, and his wife may grow to frame requests in a way that is more supportive than critical. Ultimately, the goal of couples therapy is not to eliminate conflicts entirely but to handle them constructively.
7. Self-care
Last but not least, I want to acknowledge that being with someone with ADHD without the right support can be emotionally taxing and physically draining. Partners may find themselves compensating for their loved one’s challenges, which can be exhausting over time. The emotional toll of misunderstandings can also make it difficult to maintain patience and empathy.
As such, it’s important for the partners of ADHD clients to actively practise self-care. Professional help, be it individual therapy or support groups, can provide a safe space to process your thoughts and emotions and share coping strategies with others who face similar challenges.
Thriving with ADHD in relationships
In sum, it’s undeniable that ADHD can pose significant challenges in romantic relationships. However, with awareness, empathy, structure, and professional interventions, couples can work as a team and overcome the challenges together, building stronger, more resilient relationships.
