Difficult conversations are inevitable at work—whether it’s giving feedback, setting boundaries, or resolving conflict. For the non-confrontational, they can feel like stepping into a storm; for those who struggle to stay composed, they’re a minefield of triggers.
No matter where you fall on this spectrum, mastering these conversations with emotional intelligence is essential. When approached thoughtfully, they’re not just about resolving issues—they’re opportunities to strengthen relationships with coworkers.
Here’s a 5-step guide to help you navigate these conversations with confidence and tact.
How to have difficult conversations
1. Identify your emotions
Before diving into a difficult conversation, a simple pause—like taking a deep breath—can create the space you need to gather your thoughts. Ask yourself, What am I feeling right now? Be specific: Are you calm, nervous, frustrated, or angry? Tools like James Russell’s mood meter can help you pinpoint your emotions based on their pleasantness and intensity.
Once you’ve identified your emotions, ask yourself:
- Explore their root cause. For instance, if you’re feeling nervous, could it stem from a fear of being misunderstood? If you’re angry, is it because you feel you’ve been treated unfairly?
- Anticipate how you might react if your emotions escalate. This helps you prepare and decide if now is the right time to proceed. If you’re not in the right headspace, it might be better to postpone the discussion.
- Continue checking in with yourself during the conversation. Periodically asking, How am I feeling right now? helps you stay self-aware and assess whether your emotions are influencing your tone, word choice, or non-verbal communication, such as body language and facial expressions.
2. Listen actively
Active listening is about paying attention, showing genuine interest, and empathising with the other person. Here’s how to practise active listening during a difficult conversation:
- Maintain eye contact: Follow the 50/70 rule by making eye contact 50% of the time when you speak and 70% of the time when you listen. Do so in 4- to 5-second intervals.
- Ask open-ended questions: Rather than questions that elicit only yes or no answers, ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more?” or “How can we best proceed?” to encourage dialogue and deeper understanding.
- Paraphrase: Restate what you hear in your own words to confirm your understanding. For example, “What I’m hearing is that you’re concerned about meeting the deadline.”
- Validate the emotion: Validation doesn’t mean agreeing—it simply means acknowledging your coworker’s feelings. Statements like, “I can see why you’re worried,” or “It makes sense that you feel upset because of this,” make them feel seen and heard.
3. Express yourself clearly
Now that it’s your turn to speak, consider how you can express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an honest, respectful, and constructive way. The SBI—Situation, Behavior, Impact— framework is a structured approach to do just that.
Situation
Start by describing the context clearly and objectively. Be specific about details such as the time, location, and any relevant background. This sets the stage and ensures both parties are aligned on what you’re referring to.
- Do say: “During yesterday’s client meeting, when I was making my pitch”
- Don’t say: “Every time we have a client meeting…”
Avoid using generalisations like “always” and “never,” as they make your statement vague, emotional, and critical right from the start.
Behaviour
Next, focus on the actions or words you observed from the other person without making assumptions or interpretations.
- Do say: “You were on your phone the entire time and appeared disengaged.”
- Don’t say: “You were disrespectful.”
Impact
Finally, use “I” statements to explain how their behaviour affected you or others. This focuses on your experience, demonstrates accountability for your reactions, and leaves room for other perspectives.
- Do: “I felt dismissed because I had spent hours preparing for the presentation, and I’m worried that it would undermine our synergy as a team.”
- Don’t: “You made me feel dismissed because you weren’t paying attention. You made us look bad in front of the client.”
In contrast, “You” statements can come across as accusatory, triggering defensiveness and shutting down open dialogue. Avoid phrases like “I feel like you…” too, as these are essentially “You” statements in disguise.
4. Seek solutions
Next, find a mutually acceptable resolution that addresses the issue while preserving the relationship.
- Explore perspectives: Acknowledge the other person’s point of view without necessarily agreeing. For example, “I understand you may have felt it was urgent to reply to your messages—would you mind sharing what led to that during the pitch?”
- Focus on the problem: Address the behavior, not the person, and work toward shared goals. For instance ,”I’d like to ensure everyone in the team receives the attention they deserve during presentations.”
- Communicate and clarify: Clearly state your expectations and confirm understanding. For example, “In the future, it would be helpful if you stepped out of the room if something urgent comes up. Does that work for you?”
5. Review and reflect
Once the conversation is over, take time to review and reflect on the experience, ensuring you process both the practical and emotional aspects.
- Acknowledge and appreciate: Recognise the efforts, contributions, and perspectives of the other person. This reinforces mutual respect and strengthens the relationship. (e.g., “I really appreciate you taking the time to discuss this with me. Your openness made it easier for us to find a way forward.”)
- Evaluate the process: Reflect on what worked well for you and what could be improved for future conversations. For example, could you have been more succinct, asked more questions, or chosen another time or place to have such a difficult conversation?
- Assess the outcome: Consider the results and whether both parties are satisfied. Reflect on how the conversation may have impacted your working relationship.
- Manage residual emotions: If you still feel tension, try grounding techniques like the Five Senses exercise, the STOP technique, or visualise a calming place to process any lingering emotions. This helps you reset and avoid carrying unresolved feelings into other interactions.
How Intellect can help
Navigating difficult conversations with emotional intelligence is a skill that grows with practice, and tools like active listening and the SBI framework can empower you to approach these moments with confidence.
For more strategies, check out Intellect’s in-app content on topics such as assertiveness and conflict resolution. And if you’ve got coaching credits as part of your EAP, rehearsing a difficult conversation with a professional in a safe space can go a long way too.
Download Intellect today.
