Autism Spectrum Disorder is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how individuals experience and interact with the world. The term “autism” stems from the Greek word “auto,” meaning “self,” as individuals on the spectrum tend to be most at ease when alone.
The DSM-5 marks two primary challenges in individuals with ASD: social communication and interaction across various contexts, and restrictive, repetitive patterns of behaviour, interests, or activities. ASD is a spectrum, meaning individuals can have different levels of severity, from Level 1 (requiring minimal support) to Level 3 (requiring substantial support). In today’s article, we are primarily focusing on those at Level 1.
How ASD manifests in a romantic relationship
Brian*, a high-functioning client with autism, blurted out a random question in one of our sessions: “Have you ever watched Attack on Titan?”
Not knowing where he’s going with this, I asked, “Why?”
He continued, “There’s this character, Eren Yeager. He’s learning to use these flying devices, but he kept bouncing off walls. Then later he discovered that his belt was broken.”
He paused, seeing my confusion, “That’s how I feel sometimes. I can’t understand why certain things can seem so easy and obvious to others while not making any sense to me. It’s like my belt is broken but I can’t even see.”
This metaphor hit me hard. Brian is certainly not alone in this. Individuals with Level 1 ASD may not have significant issues with holding jobs or basic social interactions, but they can still encounter unique problems in interpersonal contexts, such as romantic relationships.
Below are some of the common challenges that a partner with autism may face.
1. Social Communication and Social Interaction
a. Difficulty Understanding Subtexts
It’s not an exaggeration that reading between the lines can feel like solving puzzles for a partner with autism. Brian shares about a recent conflict with his wife:
“I asked her if I could hang out with my friends, and she responded, ‘Sure, why not?’ So I went. But then I got an angry message on my way, ‘How could you leave me home alone on Valentine’s Day?’ If she wanted to spend time together, why couldn’t she just say that?”
It’s not just sarcasm that a partner with autism struggle with. Harmless playfulness may be lost on them, too.
“Reading tones is like climbing the Himalayas to me,” Brian said. “I can’t tell if people are just joking or if they’re really upset.”
For example, when his wife jokingly says, “Oh no, you finished all the snacks!”, he would start to feel anxious and wonder: “is she mad at me?” This difficulty in “reading tones” can create emotional distress, making him withdraw from those interactions.
And then there’s flirtation—a style of communication loaded with subtext—that doesn’t always go smoothly. One summer night, Brian’s wife was in a playful mood and teased him: ‘Hey, honey, don’t you feel hot in here? How about taking a nice shower together?’
Brian, with complete earnestness, responded, “Oh, I already did. Do you want to turn on the AC?”
As you can imagine, his lack of responsiveness to flirtation can make his wife feel hurt, unwanted, and underappreciated.
b. The “Straight Shooter” Problem
Individuals with ASD are often recognised for their direct and blunt communication style. This so-called “lack of a social filter” can be particularly striking in romantic relationships, where partners typically expect more sensitivity and gentleness.
Brian shared a great example: “She texted me asking if I wanted to go on a shopping date, and I answered ‘No’. She was so upset. Later, she told me it wasn’t about what I said, but how I said it so bluntly without any emotional cushion.”
As Brian put it, didn’t realise he had to sugar-coat his response. To him, he was simply answering a yes-or-no question honestly. But to his wife, his response can come across as cold or uncaring.
c. Limited Social‐Emotional Reciprocity
One misconception about individuals with ASD is that they don’t feel emotions or lack empathy. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Although their means of expression are more reserved, they experience emotions just like anyone else.
Brian recounted instances in his early dating experiences where his dates were unsure if he was having a good time because he didn’t say much. To this day, his wife occasionally asks, “Did you enjoy our movie night? I couldn’t tell if you liked it because you didn’t show anything.”
Although they don’t mean a lack of feeling, the absence of emotional displays can still leave their partners guessing, feeling confused and even disconnected.
2. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behaviour, interests, or activities
a. Preoccupations with Objects or Topics
It was the week after Comic-Con when Brian came to our session. Just as I would with any client, I started our session by following up on something he shared the week before:
“So, I know you went to Comic-Con this past weekend. How was it?”
Now, most clients would recognise this to be a conversation starter, give a quick update, and then get down to business. But the moment Brian heard my question, his eyes lit up and he launched into a passionate sharing. In that moment, you’d never guess he had ever struggled with making conversation.
The passion that individuals with ASD bring to their hobbies and interests can be immense. While it’s not necessarily a bad thing, this intensity can overshadow other aspects of their lives. Brian, for instance, plans his entire year around anime conventions, leaving little time for shared experiences with his wife, like taking spontaneous trips abroad.
“My wife complains about feeling like a secondary priority and having to compete with conventions for my attention,” he admits.
b. Routine and Resistance to Change
Disruptions to one’s routine can be challenging for some of us. But for individuals with ASD, even small changes can be overwhelming. When Brian’s office was being renovated for two months, he compared the experience to a game of Jenga: “It was all stable and nicely balanced, but suddenly, one piece was moved. Yes, it has returned to its balance for now, but how would I know when it’s gonna wobble again?”
This metaphor captures the sense of disorientation that a change of routine can bring to individuals with ASD. Even as things settle, the question lingers: When would the next piece move?
Strategies support a partner with autism (and yourself)
Romantic relationships take work to begin with, and the road inevitably becomes bumper when you factor ASD into the equation. But with patience, understanding, and empathy, we can build meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Here are some strategies for strengthening relationships with partners with ASD.
Mindset Change: Differences, Not Deficits
ASD is not a deficit, but a natural variation in how an individual interacts with the world. Take the instance where Brian said no when his wife asked him if he wanted to spend time together. It wasn’t because he didn’t care about her feelings, but because he defaults to clarity over emotional cues. This recognition can minimise misunderstanding between partners, fostering empathy and strengthening their connection.
Communication Strategies
As a rule of thumb, say what you mean and mean what you say! When getting through to partners with ASD, direct and explicit communication tends to work best. Sure, it would be ideal if our partners could intuit our feelings without our expressing them. But instead of being sarcastic when we’re upset and hoping they would clock that, you might say “I’m feeling upset now because XYZ. You can help me by doing XYZ.” Getting straight to the point meets your need for comfort and their need for clarity.
(With that said, it doesn’t mean there’s no room for humour; when you’re teasing a partner with ASD, it helps to say “I’m just joking!”)
Routine and Structure
In romantic relationships where two people are heavily involved in each other’s lives, a shared calendar, visual schedules, and clear time blocks for different activities can offer a sense of predictability. Although Brian continues to make extensive plans for his hobbies, he simultaneously prioritises his relationship by having a shared calendar that informs him of upcoming activities.
“I can do it. I just need to know in advance,” He later said.
Self-Care for Partners
You likely found this article because you want to learn how to support your partner with autism. However, I also want to take a moment to recognise the unique challenges that you may be facing.
In the book “NeuroTribes”, the concept of “double empathy” is introduced. Just as a partner with autism struggles to understand how their neurotypical counterparts experience the world, so will you find it difficult to walk a mile in their shoes. Just imagine how isolating and even painful it could be if you feel you can’t fully connect with or understand your loved one.
As we come to the end of this article, I want to remind you that supporting yourself is just as crucial as supporting a partner with autism. From educational resources to support groups and even couples counselling, there ways for both partners to better understand each other’s perspectives and strengthen their relationship.
